...

---

I am writing this once again as I've hit a bout where I feel some sort of feelings about some sorts of things.

It wasn’t anything in particular - i could say that general loneliness has just crept back into my consciousness, or that i’m stressed out from work, or my bad sleeping habits has soured my mood, or my bad eating habits have mixed up my hormones, or my bad cleaning habits, or my poor communication skills, my self esteem issues, etc.

Maybe it is an amalgam of several of these things at once fucking with my feelings rn.

If I had to describe the feeling, it’s almost like a sort of anxiety? My chest is kinda fluttery like it's numbing, and my head it's a bit foggy so that it's somewhat hard to think clearly. I don’t feel anxious towards anything in particular, as in I'm not scared, or in a bad spot towards anything right now.

But there is something to say as for my state of self worth, as it’s pretty damn low right now.

I’ve known for a while about my weird, parasocial relationship with loneliness. Whereby in definition, I am hardly alone, yet it feels like anything I've ever done with and for anything is seen as superfluous at this point, because I believe that I have minimal value to most people in my life.

In that way, nobody is really here to make sure I'm okay.

I can try to reach out, to dump all these vague, unclear emotions onto someone, to seek some sort of validation, or some sort of comfort.

But I know that this is really an incorrect approach to moving past this mess in my head. I don’t want to burden people that hardly even know me with strange, deep-seeded infantile issues that I don’t even think are unique to me in the first place.

I don’t have anyone in my life that would accept this emotional burden from me, willingly. There just isn’t anyone that I've developed a relationship with that would make it appropriate to trouble them with.